It was BC’s birthday over a month ago now. I have been wanting to write something about his birthday since then, but every time I try, I can’t. It’s just too hard.
I want to celebrate that day for what it was – the birth day of my beautiful first born son. However, at the same time I don’t want to go back to that time and place. That night when I should have been holding a squealing bundle of healthy baby but instead I was watching others trying frantically to bring life back into his body at the other end of the room. I couldn’t even see him. And then, seeing him drugged, hidden behind tubes and wires in a monstrous humidicrib being prepared to be taken to another hospital, miles away from me where they would do their best to save his life.
It still makes me cry to see this photo. But it also fills me with a kind of awe that he’s come so far since then. And in the four years since he was born, there hasn’t been one day where I’ve felt the same kind of fear and dread as I did that day. I knew from the moment I held his hand the next day that he was going to survive AND that he was going to thrive. And he has.
For his fourth birthday, he received a kite from his Pop. Fortunately for him, his dad turns out to be a real super whizz kite flyer. So we spent his fourth birthday kite flying in the park. Here’s a video and from me, a very very (belated) Happy Birthday wish to my beautiful boy. Love you always xo