I caught up with a good friend a few days ago who I like a lot. He doesn’t have any children. He’s a great guy and we enjoy spending time with him, but sometimes, he just doesn’t get it.
We were in a park, and BC was walking with us (in his walker) along a path looking at the flowers, the lake, the swans, the ducks – occasionally stopping to point something out to me.
I was having a lovely time. A very pleasant stroll in a beautiful park with my children and a good friend.
Then my friend said with a laugh, looking at BC – “He’s just like one of those old men with their walking frames, isn’t he? Hobbling along in a frame looking at everything and boring people by showing them every little thing he sees”.
I smiled and shrugged, because I don’t much like a conflict, especially when I’ve been having such a nice day.
But I’ve been stewing on the comment ever since. And getting more and more annoyed. I wasn’t bored. I loved that BC was showing me things. And hobbling along like an old man? Really? Is that how he sees my son? Is that how others see my son in his walker?
What should I have done? Is there something I could have said that would have expressed my dismay at his comment without sounding rude? Or doesn’t it matter if I sound rude?
It’s not the first time that I’ve been with someone who TRIES to get it, but doesn’t and I really find these sorts of situations confusing and frustrating. I don’t want to sound oversensitive and I don’t want to sour a pleasant moment or spoil a day out with friends (or worse a valued friendship!), but at the same time, I want my friends to know when they’ve got it wrong.
Any words of wisdom on this fine line?
9 responses so far ↓
Sarah Clark // January 8, 2009 at 4:51 am |
Sorry to hear such a good friend would be so foolish in saying something like that!
I think I would have been so shocked by that comment that I wouldn’t have had a response to it either…only thing I could think of was giving your friend a link to your blog so he can read it! Urrghhhh! Makes me very cross!
BC is being a child…taking note of the great things he sees around him and wanting to share that with the people around him.
suealeen // January 8, 2009 at 5:46 am |
most people just don’t realize the way they talk. they don’t mean it and insensitive because they don’t feel what we feel.
even my own sister said something really hurt before. i just calm down as i don’t want to drag it longer. she might felt that i’ve been so cool that i don’t really care about her.
i just asked her to read Syafiah’s blog. as a result, she never said something bad anymore until now.
Heike Fabig // January 8, 2009 at 9:25 am |
You said it yourselt. He doesn’t have any children. Doesn’t remember the magic of seeing the workd. And as for the hobblikng like an old man, well yeah. Some people see that. Some others who know see a boy who’s come a long way. One day your friend may have learned something about life. Try not to pity him too much for the wisdom he has not gained yet.
Ellen // January 8, 2009 at 9:47 pm |
I agree, he’s probably clueless. It’s very hard to respond in the moment, when you’re shocked by what you’ve been said. But if this is someone you like and want to continue to have in your life, I would call and explain that your feelings were hurt, and then try to give him a little insight into how you see things. Educate him. That’s what I would do, anyway. Because if he is a good friend, he will listen! You don’t want to have this grudge in your head.
Bron // January 9, 2009 at 3:01 am |
oh Di! what a crappy thing to say on such a beautiful moment and day. The fact that you are stewing prob means you would have liked to say something witty to put him back in his box! as Ellen said sometimes these moments shock you and you can’t think properly. I would also mention it next time you talk otherwise it will become bigger that you’d like. Funny how BC can go from being a “baby” to an “old man” tho
the kaye walker frame does look like an elderly persons frame unfortunately which has been pointed out to me a few times 
Bron // January 9, 2009 at 3:03 am |
Di send him the link to your blog! seriously I have had a few family members ask me if they have been saying and doing the right thing after reading some of my entries.
Rich // January 20, 2009 at 12:34 pm |
It’s human nature, and sometimes we don’t think before we speak. Your right I’d not know what to say just then.
I’m legally blind myself, and just started using a white cane. I often think of what others think of me using my cane now. But it’s up to us to educate the public.
The simplest reply would have been, he’s not an old man, he’s a boy. Short and sweet, it may have got him thinking.
Glee // March 11, 2009 at 9:10 am |
Jeepers I hate that. You can exclaim and defend your son when those sort of things happen. But the words have already been said and they stick in your mind..
I was having my bathroom renovated and remodelled to make it accessible to me as a wheelchair user. One of the blokes who were doing the job said as they finished up,”Looks just like the Royal Adelaide Hospital!” (I guess he was referring to the rails everywhere) I was very upset as I saw it as a beautiful bathroom with tiles of my choosing and paint colours and design and it was excellent. Then he had to go and say that.
The best you can do when you are stuck with one of these nasty inaccurate descriptions is to consciously throw it out of your head every time you think of it. Keep throwing it out every time. Don’t pay it any attention or it will get bigger.
I’m sorry that ignorance has hurt you (probably for the umpteenth time).
cheers
Glee
Tammy // May 9, 2009 at 12:43 am |
Men and women are so different and “that is what it is.” However, my take is if a male friend values our relationship as much as I do, I speak about what I like and do not like in a general way. I speak about the values I have and hope to receive back in a fruitful friendship. I’ve found if the friend has placed as much value in our friendship both parties(myself included) make adjustment out of respect for each other. If the friend continues the behavior that I find disrespectful, he probably it not a friend. That is OK… because there are a lot of friends to befriend and willing to receive and give authentic friendship.